DILM: WELCOME TO YOUR OWN PERSONAL HELL
“Ah crap it’s gonna blow! Wait... nope. That’s just my hot pocket.”
What’s up, Internet! It’s your boy Chris Double‑X from the interwebs, coming at you with another hair‑brained scheme. Conan O’Brien, if you’re reading this: I’m here for you. I’ve got some new ideas for you to try, like some crazy stunts on the show, maybe with Jordan Schlansky or Andy too. Just hit me up, Conan, I’ve got some great material and some great sketches you can do around the office. Great remote ideas for you in the queue. It’s all in my Google Docs so it’s easy to pull up at any time during the day or night.
I actually do pay for the extra storage, which is, like, the one thing that I’ll actually willingly fork over the cash for. I’ll give you something for free right now (this one’s good): it’s your classic transparent coffin prank. A real Chaplin original, but the gist is you get some guy, right, to go to the funeral, which you and your crew are already at. And just to keep it interesting I’ll ask my French cousin Le Pouf to translate what I wrote down into French and back again. Le Pouf!
You’re at the funeral, yes? And it doesn’t really matter whose it is or what it’s about. But, you see, it is not a funeral of reality. Non, non, non. It is a prank funeral: a funeral made of tricks and deceptions. All the people weep; they are overcome by sadness. But you? You are in the coffin. You already switched the coffins, yes? It is a brilliant idea. You have… how do you say… infiltrated the coffin with a slithering.
But here’s a twist my slimy friend: the coffin is of a transparent hue, which is to say it has no hue at all! And who is inside? It is you! You, alive! Some sort of miracle? No, of course not. It is all planned, but the people do not see this they only see the lie.
They walk; they cry, but then they look and there in the coffin and you are smiling. In the confusion they ask a question: “Who is this man? Why is he there?” Yes, they will ask. But the real question in their minds that shall forever be left unanswered rings: “how did he do it?”
Some of them begin to chase you. They chase your pallbearers three and around and around you go, until one slips on a banana peel. Ha ha ha! What a laugh and a fool and a jaunt
The comedy ends with a magnificent purple hat. A very nice hat made of good, strong material. It is large and purple and, to the funeral-goers, as inexplicable as your transparent coffin. You, on the ground now, pull it from your bosom. They will ask, “Where does the hat come from?” and in response you start pulling birds! Birds from nowhere in particular! Spawning them from your sleeves where you also have cards, ribbons, and smiles. You throw them all like the wind, singing: “Ahh, the Hollywood. We love the sights, the sounds, the stars. All the glories of Hollywooood!”
Your time in the lime has come to a line so fine, and now you topple over the edge. The sadness… it begins to return. Some weep, some hold back tears, and some feel true emotion, but you are prepared. You take out the flower that sprays water. A simple trick and a spray to the face. Now the laughter has returned, and they can no longer cry, for the birds are flying, the ribbons are dancing, and your hand pulls a carrot from the well-made purple hat. The people cannot, or will not, understand, but they laugh because of the absurdity… it is perfect. You are pagliacci.
The real dilm ladies. Won’t the real dilm ladies please stand up. Please stand up. Please stand up. Do not let nobody tell you what is what!
Slimey Dilm Dilm. Does it sound too close to “MILF” or “DILF”? Or does it sound like “DILK” or “PILK”?
Meet Fluoride Ges, news anchor for Channel 88, Cherry News. Welcome to your own personal hell, Mr. Ges.
“We’re rolling? Okay. Breathe in. Breathe out. In. Out. That’s it. Relax… We go now to the last surviving master of the antequated Dilm development process here in beautiful Arkansas. His name is Trailhead Lobe, and we spent the last four months with him to answer the question: what is Dilm? Here’s what he had to say about the dying practise of developing DILM as one of the last professional DILM developers in Blevins, Arkansas. I think I already said that. Mr. Lobe, why don’t you walk us through the process?”
“The sound of it breaking and going catastrophically wrong, like it’s about to catch fire, is the same as when it’s working.”
“THE PROCESS OF DEVELOPING DILM IS ACTUALLY VERY SIMPLE, EVERYONE. I’M NOT SURE YOU FULLY UNDERSTAND IT! THE PEOPLE AROUND HERE, THEY SAY THINGS LIKE, ‘Dilm? It’s probably an interesting process. Like what with the Dilm and the developing, maybe you eat it or there’s slime.’ BUT IN TRUE REALITY, Y’SEE, IT’S BASICALLY THREE DIFFERENT MECHANISMS: THE SLOP, THE GLOP, AND THE DROP. AND THAT’S ABOUT IT—ONCE YOU GET PAST THE SLOP, IT’S ALL GLOP FROM THERE, AND DROP? YEAH, IT’S A PIECE OF CAKE. IT’S CLINICALLY PROVEN. IT’S FDA APPROVED.”
“Drop after glop after slop, I get it now. Like my dinner—grey food diet. I grey food, I eat it. But in the most infantile terms, Dilm is a substance engineered by the company AFNOR for the French military. At the time, the optics available for covert spying operations were rudimentary at worst and horrible at best. This made the French president very sad, so the country’s foreign affairs ministry held a secret contest between six manufacturing conglomerates who went head-to-head in an effort to create the world’s clearest and most reliable photographic capture mechanism ever devised.”
“I grey food, I eat it.”
“During the four muggy months of Spring in 1923, the companies AFNOR, Spildax, Truc de la Gare, Cordaux, SiD, and Trabaille all put their noses to the grind-scones. The winning company, AFNOR—led by Snilbert M. Gagné—was the first to perfect the idea. The company developed the Dilm techique and capture mechanisms. And from 1923 to 1979 AFNOR under Gagné sold the technology to the French government before halting production fifty-six years later. Kodak released their own dry formulation of the photographic substrate, and Dilm was really dumb. So no one wanted to buy it anymore.”
“This made the French president very sad.”
“Mr. Lobe, I’ve just been told that Dilm is sensitive to light, which means you can’t actually look at any of the Dilm or see any of the Dilm as it’s being developed in the developing vat. How can you tell the difference between a batch gone good and a batch gone goop?”
“THE SOUND OF IT BREAKING AND GOING CATASTROPHICALLY WRONG, LIKE IT’S ABOUT TO CATCH FIRE, IS THE SAME AS WHEN IT’S WORKING. LEMME SHOW YOU THE TANKS—WE GOT BESSIE AND OLD CRUMMY HERE, AND THESE BEAUTIES DO ALL THE WORK, ISN’T THAT RIGHT?”
“I see. So there’s no way to tell besides the sound it makes.”
“YEAH, THE SOUND WILL BE KINDA LOUD LIKE DIN AND SCREECHY TOO. LIKE SOMETHING SCRAPING ALONG THE TANK. BUT NOT REALLY LOUD loud; MORE LIKE A DEMON HOWL, BUT THE DEMON IS BORED OF TORMENT. THAT’S KIND OF AN UNHOLY WAY TO SAY IT, BUT THE SCREECH IS PRETTY LOUD.”
“Oh, that’s a sloppy one.”
“I JUST FLIPPED THE DILM RELEASE VALVE. THIS WILL SET THE AXOLOTL VATS INTO EVACUATION MODE. WHAT THIS MEANS IS THAT WE’VE GOT ABOUT SEVEN TO NINE MINUTES BEFORE THE ‘DROP,’ IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. IT’S GONNA COME OUT, AND IT’S GONNA BE ALL OVER, SO WE’D BETTER GET TO THE BACK OF THE GARAGE.”
“It’s six minutes later and, OH! Wow, okay. Okay, he wasn’t, gah—he wasn’t kidding-”
“OH, THAT’S A SLOPPY ONE.”
“Aaaaaand it’s all over my shoes. Okay, that’s perfect… Excuse me, Mr. Trailhead, do you happen to have a towel or hose or something—?”
“THAT’S A FRESH BATCH FROM THE AXOLOTL TANKS. YEAH, THAT’S GOOD RIGHT THERE. GOOD. YEAH, LOOK AT THIS—LOOK AT THIS—”
“So how do you know if it’s going to explode?”
“AH CRAP IT'S GONNA BLOW! WAIT... NOPE. THAT'S JUST MY HOT POCKET. HERE IS THE FINAL PRODUCT AFTER A FULL ROUND OF DEVELOPMENT.”
“I’m receiving the finished and stabilized roll of Dilm now… Wow, this is really clear! It’s amazing; I mean, it’s like I’m actually standing there. The picture from the DILM looks so clear! I’m really convinced! There you have it, folks! DILM really is the future! Nah, I’m just joking around. It’s covered in slop, it’s covered in slime. I can’t see a thing. I really can’t—I just don’t have it.”
“I TOLD YOU! WHEEEELLEEE. RELEASE THE ROLL FROM THE CAMERA’S CAPTURE MECHANISM.”
“So essentially, it's a crazy process. What about the Dilm camera? Does it have some sort of chemical tank that lets you put in the different chemicals?”
“IT HAS A TANK ON THE SIDE, AND YOU HAVE TO FILL IT UP WITH THE RIGHT CHEMICALS, AND THEN IT GOES THROUGH THE TUBES, AND WHEN YOU TAKE A PICTURE OR WIND THE FILM, THE LIQUID KIND OF SLOSHES AROUND.”
“I think the form factor should be that of a large military camera that is really interesting. Does the Dilm by AFNOR have any other applications aside from recreational photography?”
“THIS COULD ALSO EASILY BE AN INSTALLATION IN WHICH PARTICIPANTS EXPERIENCE DEVELOPING DILM ON THEIR OWN! THE ONLY THING IS THAT I’M NOT SURE HOW TO ACHIEVE THE MAGIC OF DILM DEVELOPMENT, SINCE PEOPLE ARE VERY SMART—ACTUALLY, THEY MIGHT KNOW IT’S A TRICK WHEN THEY CAN SEE THE PRE‑TAKEN PICTURES ON A ROLL OF DILM THAT HAS YET TO BE FULLY DEVELOPED. SO, SOMEHOW, WE’D HAVE TO GET THEIR ACTUAL PICTURES OUT INTO A DILM ROLL.”
“Well, it’s all shit. All of it. We can’t use any of that, uh—yeah, he’s an eccentric guy who does this weird and rare profession—starting out with him at his home, some cool shot of the outside, then cutting to the inside as we hear narration, ‘Meet the last Dilm developer in Arkansas.’ I was gonna get on Sweeps. I was really gunning for the Sweeps spot but it is for sure going to Hauser now. How is this stupid thing still around? Patronage of a wealthy client that turns out to be someone’s mom or something. Dilm photos of the film crew that came in—there are some really creepy photos.”
ヾ(⌐■_■)ノ♪