Just bought a zen garden and I’m excited to feel some inner peace. The thing’s a freakin’ clanker! A droid. It does all the hard stuff for me. My life is quite stressful - I work a busy 9-5 with two different companies, have two girlfriends, and can’t even find time to smoke a pack of cigs. A zen garden is just what I need.

This product is something I saw online the other day, and I couldn’t believe the claims it made. Increased connection with all chakras, seven-fold decrease in blood pressure, complete celestial re-alignment. It even comes with a BP cuff and relaxation board in case I want to get comfy.

Going to plug it in as soon as it gets here. I can’t wait!

The zen garden machine sputters and whirs to life - equipped with a zen-based OS, it communicates with our protagonist, asking what services he’d like offered. He’ll take the full detox. It spins and thrashes, spewing sand everywhere! What a funny thing. Kills him eventually. :(